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Act I (Purformed in Americun!)

Original Les Misérables By Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg
Original Lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer

This non commercial interpretation and all lyrics in satire and parody

© 2003 by William P Cary

Act I

April 1939, Burbank, California. The rascal's chain gang, overseen by Butch's brutal gang of thugs, pushes a heavy, rusted merry-go-round in the sun. Butch perches himself on the top of the spinning ride, his perfect white teeth glistening. He sneers at the scene below him, Spanky's men slaving away while his own gang revels in pride at the rascals' predicament. Butch smiles even broader and chuckles aloud in satisfaction!

Prologue Merry Go Round Work Song

Chorus (Butch's Prisoners)
Spin round, look down
Don't look Butch in the eye
Spin round, look down,
Push till you heave or die

The bearing's worn
It's rusted down below
Spin round, look down,
There's twenty laps to go


We've done no wrong!
Does Spanky know we're here?



I know this time,
There's nothing he can do!

Spin round, look down,
Spanky's forgotten you
Jackie Marius
When I get free ya won't see me
Spinning round in dust!
Spin round, look down
Don't look Butch in the eye
Breezy Joly
How long, oh boy!
To answer to this guy?
Spin round, look down,
We'll always be Butch's slave
Your shoes, worn out,
Your soles cannot be saved!
Butch Javert
Now bring me prisoner 244-6001
Your number's up
And your parole's begun
Ya know what that means.
Alfalfa Valjean
Yeah, it means I'm free.

Butch Javert
It means you get
My yellow slip of leave...
You are a thief
Alfalfa Valjean
I won your marbles fair and square!
Butch Javert
You robbed me blind.
Alfalfa Valjean
I had a lucky shot.
Your finger slipped, then I won.
You lost all your marbles...
Butch Javert
You better watch your lip!
Or I'll break it for you
The consequence of breaking Butch's law.
Alfalfa Valjean
I know the feeling of those 19 spins
A slave to Butch's law
Butch Javert
Five spins for the marbles you took
The rest because you are just a kid...
Yeah, 244-6001.
Alfalfa Valjean
My name is Alfalfa Valjean!
Butch Javert
And I am Butch Javert!
Do not forget my name!
Do not forget me,
Alfalfa Valjean
Oh, why did my mother ever give him my phone number?
Chorus Spin round, look down,
We'll always be Butch's slave
Your shoes, worn out,
Your soles cannot be saved!

Alfalfa Valjean
Freedom at last it is mine.
The earth is spinning still.
I'm dizzy!
My hands blistered from the merry go round.
Oh what a nightmare! I have to get over it.
My legs are still quaking.
My back is still aching
He played me for a fool.
Used the marbles as his tool.
I'll never forget the nineteen spins,
The treasure taken back by him, I cannot forgive what he's done.
I have to get my marbles one by one.
Butch is guilty - Not Alfalfa Valjean!

A new day begins...
What can working for wages
Do for me?

Alfalfa finds his way to his Grandfather's Farm.

Grandfather Valjean
You'll have to go, Alfalfa
I'll pay you a dime for your work today
Collect your toys and trifles
And just be on your way.
Alfalfa Valjean
Wait a minute Grandpa!
You ain't given me half
What the other guys get!
This puny coin
Wouldn't buy my sweat!
Farm Laborer
You're just a kid
It's easy to see
Why should you get the same
As a grown man like me?
Alfalfa Valjean
Now every chance is robbed from me...
And every toy store closed from me.
For when I come into town
They see no folding bills
Only poverty
In their eyes I see their fear
We do not want your kind here.

He comes to an inn. It is, in actuallity, the gang's Klubhouse. It is staffed by Porky and Buckwheat who collect membership dues... also a lengthy list of fees for "services rendered".

Porky :
The Gatekeeper

My pwace is fuwl
No woom to spawe
I'd wike to help, Albalba
But we 'ave ta be fair
Alfalfa Valjean
I will pay a drink
With a whale of a song
Let me stay for the night, then I'll move along

I'm the barber of Seville!!!!

How's that?

Buckwheat -
The Injineer

Leave this house now, Albalba!
Afore I lock you up in the basement!
Stop singin'! Stop that singin'! Ew... what noise!
My ears hurt! C'mon Porky! Let's get 'em!

They throw him out of the inn.

Alfalfa Valjean
Freedom shouldn't feel like this
No marbles in my hand, an empty bag at my wrist!
I've got to get the money somehow!
To refill my marble bag
Win back the ones that Butch stole from me...
Butch's law!
Like a dog
I walk the street,
Lower than the dirt beneath my feet.

Alfalfa sits down despairingly
on a curb outside a house.
Mrs. Crabtree emerges.

Mrs. Crabtree
Why, you sweet darling!

Come in, Alfalfa, you look weary,
The day is cool, with frigid air.
This cold day makes your stomach grumble.
What I have, I'll gladly share.
A glass of warm milk to revive you.
A bowl of oatmeal to make you strong,
Here's some cookies I baked fresh this morning,
Eat a few, then move along.

Alfalfa Valjean

She let me eat my fill
I emptied out the cookie tin.
The silver steel marbles in my hand
Cost twice what I have earned
Working all my eight long years
My life now in despair
And yet she trusted me.
The teacher trusted me
She'd done her bit of good
I played the grateful oaf
And thanked her like I should
But when her house was still,
I found the door and went outside.
Took the silver steel
Took my flight!

Taking the silver steel, he runs off...
Only to be brought back by two of Butch's thugs.

Alfalfa Arrested, Alfalfa Forgiven

Tell Mrs. Crabtree your story
Let us see if she's impressed
You were visiting this afternoon
You were the honest teacher's guest.
And then, out of her sweet goodness
When she learned about your plight
You maintain she made a present of this silver.
Mrs. Crabtree
That is right!
But Alfalfa you left so quickly
Surely something slipped your mind...

The kindly teacher gives Alfalfa
two horseshoe magnets.
The metallic marbles fly to the magnets with a resounding
All eyes gape at the wonderful gifts she has presented Alfalfa Valjean.
He swallows hard... a huge lump of fear visibly
inches down his throat...

Mrs. Crabtree
You forgot I gave these also
Would you leave the rest behind?
So, you boys, you should release him
For Alfalfa Valjean has spoken true
I commend you for being thoughtful
Our neighborhood is safer because of you...

The thugs leave.
The honest teacher addresses Alfalfa.
He's still shaking but tries very hard to hide his fear.

Mrs. Crabtree
But remember this, my dear Alfalfa...
See in this some higher plan
You must use these stainless marbles
To become an honest man
Face the challenge of your teacher
Or find your future out of touch...
Let these shining marbles take you out of darkness
Or else they will bind your soul to Butch!

What Have I Done?
(Valjean's Soliloquy)

Alfalfa Valjean
What have I done?
Oh heavens, what have I done?
A marble thief in the night,
A marble man on the run
Have I stooped this far,
And is Butch really my fate?
Why, nothing remains but a cry out of hate,
Crooning in the dark
I'm out of breath from my fears!

If there's another way to go
I missed it nineteen long spins ago
Marbles, a game that should never be won
Butch called me a number and squashed Alfalfa Valjean
When he sentenced me to the
Nineteen spins just for winning glass by the pound!

Yet why did I allow Mrs. Crabtree
To take the hated away from me?
She treated me like any other student
She gave me her trust
She called me impudent
My life now claimed from Butch with her love
Can such love be?
For I had come to hate knowing Butch
Cause Butch had always hated me

Cast inhibition aside!
Let a song from your throat!
This is all I have lived for!
Just a blast of a note!

One word from her and I'd be back
A teacher's pet upon her rack
Instead she offers me my freedom
I feel my shame inside me like a knife
She told me that I have a soul,
How does she know?
Sending cold shivers down my back
Or is it just fear that I will Butch behold?

I am reaching, but I fall
As Butch's thugs close in
And I stare into the void
Through the swirling goo again
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Alfalfa Valjean
Alfalfa Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin!

He tears up his yellow slip and runs to the Klubhouse where he begins to rapidly rummage through an old trunk of clothing.

At The End Of The Day

July 1939,
He-Man-Woman-Hater's Klub.
Inside the Klub owned by Hizzonner, Mayor Twist
(Alfalfa Valjean in disguise).

The Klub's Members Just another hot day and we're losing our marbles
That's all we can claim, Butch keeps us at bay
It's a struggle, surviving
Keeping our cool and our marbles
One more day to be living under Butch's rule
But is this really living?

Just another hot day in cold California
Taking the shirt off your back doesn't add any chill
And the parents scurry by
Tune in the station, they make such a fuss
Hear the Shadow, the Lone Ranger,
Burns and Allen
But, they never listen to us!

Just another hot day, run from Butch and his henchmen
And the stars in the sky never seeming to rise
Feel the heat of the sand
Though the cool ocean beckons
We're losing marbles here on dry land
There's a battle that's brewing with Butch and his henchmen
There's gonna be heck, someone has to pay
By the end of the day!

Mary Ann Fantine & Dorothy enter the Klubhouse.

Spanky Enjolras
Just another hot day,
You know you're not welcomed
To this Klubhouse at all, you're only a girl!
There are girls in our families
Dickie & Scotty
At our church and school down the block...
This Klub is where the girl's buck stops!
Mary Ann Fantine
I'm telling Butch... You have lots more hidden marbles...
The GangNow you're wasting our time!
Mary Ann Fantine
Have you seen how Alfalfa is disguised today?
Recognized by his pointy hair and his unwashed hands?
Oh, baloney! Fantine, you get out of our way!
Mary Ann Fantine
I'm calling Butch, we'll see where he stands!
He'll have ideas on how this Klub should be compete...
Spanky Enjolras
If Mary Ann Fantine don't watch her mouth,
She'll be out on the street!
Dickie, Scotty, & Harry
At the end of the day we'll have to fight for our marbles
With enough in your pocket to play on for a week
Play with He Man Woman Haters, play with Butch and his men
Keep on playing as long as you're able
Keep on playing till you drop
Or it's back with the bums, off the table
You either fight or not play...
At the end of the day!

(Grabbing a letter from
Mary Ann Fantine)
And what have we here, little innocent sister?
Come on Fantine, let's have all the news!

Reading the letter out loud.

Deer Fantine, Yew must come up with more marbles...
You don't need a doctor...

Your bones ain't broke yet...
No time to loose, no time to regret...

Ooh...I'd hate to be wearing her shoes! Butch means business!

Mary Ann Fantine:
Give that letter to me
This is none of your business
With Butch living next door
I have to be on his side!
Is there anyone here
Who can swear before Butch
He has no loss to fear?
No marbles to hide?

They fight over the letter.
Valjean (Mayor Twist)
rushes to break it up.

Alfalfa Valjean
Spanky! Help tear these two apart!
What is this fighting all about?
This is a Klubhouse, not a square ring!
Now come on girls, don't be a chump
I run a Klubhouse of repute
I am the Mayor of this here dump
(To Spanky Enjolras) I look to you to sort this out
And be as patient as you can...

He goes back into the Klubhouse.

Spanky Enjolras
Now someone say how this began!
At the end of the day
She's the one who began it
A cache of marbles I know she's hiding
Under a loose board in her floor
It's Butch she has to pay
You can guess how she gets the extra marbles
You can bet she's earning her keep
Cleaning the town
And her folks wouldn't like it!
Mary Ann Fantine
Yes it's true there's a loose board
Hides my stash of marbles
And I clean houses and barns,
To pay for them all
My folks won't buy more, they think I have plenty
But they don't know Butch's temper
So I pay him off
What's the matter with that?
At the end of the day
She's in nothing but trouble
And there's trouble for all
When there's trouble for one!
While we're earning our new marbles
She's the one nearest Butch's gutter
You must send the girl away
Or we're all gonna greased in his butter
And it's us who'll have to pay
At the end of the day!
Spanky Enjolras
I might have known the Klub was right
I might have known 'bout marble clauses
I might have guessed your little secret
Yeah, Mary Ann Fantine
Portray yourself so young and sweet
You'd be the cause I had no doubt
Of any trouble hereabout
Sweet talking our marbles in the light...
Giving them to Butch in the night!
She's been laughing at you boys
While she's siding with Butch
She'll be nothing but trouble again and again!
Punish the girl today!
Dickey, Scotty, & Harry
Punish the girl today!
Spanky Enjolras
Right! Mary Ann, on your way! You too, Dorothy.
I call this meetin' of the He Man Woman Hater's Klub to order! It's time to get down to business.

I Dreamed a Dream

Mary Ann Fantine is left alone,
unloved and unwanted by both gangs.
She ponders life's mysteries...

Mary Ann Fantine
There was a time when the boys were kind
Our play was warm, often friendly
And their games were always inviting
There was a time when I fit in
We all got along
And the world was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream of time gone by
We all got along
We knew no tough guys at all
I dreamed that I would just belong
I dreamed that my world would carry on
Then I was young and unafraid
And games were fun and toys weren't wasted
There was no extortion to be paid
No quotas met, Butch's wrath untasted

Butch scratched all that one Spring night
Brushed my world like rough sandpaper
And he scraped my world apart
And he turned my dream to shame

He came to my window every night
Demanding marbles, silence for my freedom
He took my childhood in his stride
Innocence gone when summer came

And still I dream he'll leave one day
The storm will clear, I'll break the tether...
California dreams just cannot be
California dreaming won't change the weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different, no need for protection
So different for it now seems
Spanky and Butch have killed the dream I dreamed.

Lovely Fantine

The playground.
Butch, Woim, Jerry are burning trash in a barrel,
planning their next caper.

Dorothy and Shirley are swinging nearby.
Mary Ann Fantine wanders past.

I see Fantine
Butch, look over there
Think I'll check out
Why she's waiting here
Fantine, lady
I see her through the smoke
Owing seven days of marbles
Can you afford to come this close?
Come now Mary Ann, can't you take a joke...
Shirley Eponine
Come here, my dear
Let's see this trinket you wear
This necklace locket you wear...
Mary Ann Fantine
Shirley, I'll sell it to you...
Shirley Eponine
I'll give you a twenty cents.
Mary Ann Fantine
That wouldn't pay for the chain!
Shirley Eponine
I'll give you twenty five. You're far to eager to sell. It's up to you.
Mary Ann Fantine
It's all I have...
Shirley Eponine
That's not my fault.
Mary Ann Fantine
Please make it fifty...
Shirley Eponine
No more than twenty-five!
My dear, we all must stay alive!
What pretty hair!
What pretty locks you got there
What luck you got.
It's worth a little, my dear
I'll take the lot...
Mary Ann Fantine
Don't touch me! Leave me alone!
Let's make a price.
I'll give you all of sixteen cents,
Just think of that!
Mary Ann Fantine
It pays a debt
Just think of that
Mary Ann Fantine
What can I do? It pays a debt.
These coins may help me Butch's ransom get!
Lovely Fantine
Fastest on the street
Wasn't indebted three full minutes
She was back up on her feet

Mary Ann Fantine and Shirley disappear with a pair of large scissors into the bathroom.

Lovely Fantine!
Why ya waitin on the playground?
Doesn't take a lot of savvy
Just to bring some marbles 'round
Come on, Fantine
What you stalling for?

Shirley runs from the bathroom waving a long lock of hair high in the air. She laughs in joy as she runs from the playground.

Mary Ann Fantine re-emerges, her hair cut short in a
military high and tight flat top.
The whole gang gasps aloud in unison.
Even the adults are shocked at the sight...

Parent 1
Give me the dirt, who's that bald kid over there?
Parent 2
That witless kid? Dumb enough to sell her hair.
Parent 1
Don't you gloat. Was your daughter who bought.
Parent 2
I might have known, she ain't too bright...
Owns London Bridge, bought it last night!
Lovely Fantine, come along and join us!
Lovely Fantine!
Come on dearie, why all the fuss?
You're no different than the rest of us
Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap
Join my gang and those marbles you can keep... On second thought... C'mere with me!

Mary Ann Fantine goes off with Butch. He sets her up in a kissing booth. She is now to earn her keep at two marbles per kiss. Every third marble is hers, the rest go to Butch as payment for his protection. She takes the money made from selling her possessions and buys mouthwash.

That's right dearie, time to take a stand...
That's right dearie, put your trust in Butch's hand...

Fantine's Arrest

Jackie is a well dressed gentleman. He appears to be wealthy. Mary Ann Fantine doesn't care either way.

Jackie Marius
Here's something new. I think I'll give her a try.
Come closer you! I like to see what I buy...
Applesauce. Mary Ann, your new look is divine!
Mary Ann Fantine
I don't want to kiss you. No, no, Jackie Marius, let me go.
Jackie Marius
Is this a trick? I won't pay more! One marble in exchange for a kiss!
Mary Ann Fantine
No, not at all.
Jackie Marius
You've got some nerve, you little scamp
You've got some panasche, you're full of camp.
It's the same with a girl as it is with a boy
We all pay our dues and if you get the chance
It's not for you to say 'yes sir' or 'no sir'
It's not for the kissee to just pick and to choose
Or lead me to a dance!

He hits her with his paint stick, she claws at his face, drawing blood.

Mary Ann Fantine
Ooh, I hate you, Jackie Marius, don't try any of that!
Even a girl who has gone to the bad
Won't be kissed by a rat!
Jackie Marius
By Jiminnie you'll pay for what you've done
This rat will make you bleed, Mary Ann, you'll see!
I guarantee, I'll make you suffer
For this disturbance of the peace
For this insult to life and prosperity!
Mary Ann Fantine
I beg you, don't report me sir
Okay, I'll do what you want...
Jackie Marius
Too late now Mary Ann. I'm holding onto my marbles. Make your excuse to Butch Javert!

Butch Javert enters, accompanied by his thugs, Jerry & Woim.

Butch Javert
Tell me quickly what's the story
Who saw what and why and where
Let him give a full description
Answer now to Butch Javert!
Here inside my little business
Let one speak who saw it all
Who dared to harm Jackie Marius?
What's the reason of this brawl?
Jackie Marius
Butch Javert, would you believe it
I was crossing from the park
When this girl attacked, she did it!
You can see she left her mark
She will pay dearly for her actions
Once you make a full report
You may rest assured, Jackie,
That she will answer to Butch's court.
Mary Ann Fantine
There's a child who sorely needs me
Please, Butch Javert, she's but that high
Land sakes, is there no mercy?
If I go to jail she'll die!
Butch Javert
I have heard stories like yours
Every day for many years
But none have ever claimed another
Child as reason for remorse
Dry your eyes, dry your tears
That's the way to please my court

Fantine gives a last despairing cry as she is led away by the thugs. Jackie wipes his forehead, dusts his pants leg, and disappears. Alfalfa Valjean emerges from the growing crowd.

Alfalfa Valjean
Just a minute, Butch Javert. What's going on here?
I do believe this girl's tale
Butch Javert
Well... Mayor Twist!
Alfalfa Valjean
You've got all your marbles, let her be
She needs to be with her mother, not placed in your cell.
Butch Javert
Well I don't... Say! Mayor Twist...
Mary Ann Fantine
Can this be?
Alfalfa Valjean
Where will she end
This girl without a friend?
I've seen your face before
Show me some way to help you
How have you come to grief
In a place such as this?
Mary Ann Fantine
Alfalfa, don't laugh at me,
It's hard enough I've got no pride
You let Spanky send me away
Yes, you were there, and turned aside
I never did you no wrong
Alfalfa Valjean
Could this be true, oh, what I have done?
Mary Ann Fantine
My sister Darla sits home crying...
Alfalfa Valjean
To an innocent soul?
Mary Ann Fantine
If in your heart you could know...
Alfalfa Valjean
Had I only known then...
Mary Ann Fantine
If she could forget instead...
Alfalfa Valjean
In Darla's name my task has just begun
I will see it done!

Mary Ann Fantine closes her eyes and falls to the ground, rolling down the hillside and out of the playground. She rolls into an open drainage culvert.

Butch Javert
But Mayor Twist...
Alfalfa Valjean
I will see it done!
Butch Javert
But Mayor Twist... You're hallucinating!
Alfalfa Valjean
As God as my witness, I shall never be poor again!
Say, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!
Here's looking at you, kid!
I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille!
Butch Javert
Say kid, you look suspicious and sound real familiar...
Kids screamingLook out! It's a runaway cart!

The Runaway Cart

The crowd parts to reveal that the cart has crashed, trapping Wheezer.

Kids Look at that!
Look at that!
It's Wheezer trapped beneath all that!
Don't approach! Don't go near!
You will risk your life!
He is under the wheel!
Oh, the pitiful boy!
Stay away, Turn away!
There is nothing to do!
There is nothing to do!
Alfalfa Valjean
Is there anyone here besides me
Who will rescue the boy?
Who will help me to lift
The weight of the cart?
Voices Don't go near him, Mr. Mayor
The load is heavy we can tell
The old boy's a goner for sure
It'll kill you as well.

Valjean attempts to lift the cart... but fails by himself. He tries again with the help of Butch's thugs. They manage to pull Wheezer clear.

Mr. Mayor, I have no words to thank you, this handful of marbles will have to do.
You are truly heaven sent.
Alfalfa Valjean
You can say THAT again! 'Twern't nuthin! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Alfalfa Valjean continues bowing until Butch Javert ushers him aside.

Butch Javert
Can this be true?
I don't believe what I see!
A mug your age
To be as strong as you are!
A memory stirs... Say!
You remind me think of a mug
From some time ago
A boy who broke his parole. Tore up his yellow slip
and disappeared.
Alfalfa Valjean
Say what you must
Don't leave it hangin'...
Butch Javert
I have only known one other
Who can do what you have done.
He's a convict from the chain gang
So many months on the run.
He couldn't run forever
We have found his hideaway
And he's just been taken as my prisoner
He faces Butch's court today.
Well, of course he now denies it
You'd expect that of a con
But he couldn't run forever
No, not even Alfalfa Valjean!
Alfalfa Valjean
You say this mug denies it all
No sign at all of comprehension?
You're puttin' this mug on trial
Then it's back to the Merry Go Round
To blow off steam and let off your tension?
Come to think of it, can you be sure,
That I am not the guy you seek?
Butch Javert
I have known that marble thief for ages
Tracked him down through thick and thin
And to make the matter certain
He bears the brand of my callous on his hand
He will bend, he will break
This time there is no mistake.

Butch Javert leaves. Alfalfa Valjean is trembling alone in his thoughts among the crowd.

Who Am I? (The Trial) Pt. 1

Alfalfa Valjean
He thinks that handsome boy is me
He knew him at a glance!
That stranger he has found
My double could be my chance!

Why should I save his good looking skin?
Why should I tell Butch he's wrong
I have worn my disguise so long
And hidden inside it for so long?

If I speak, Butch will kill me.
If I stay silent, that guy will kill me when he gets out of hard labor!
Oh, woe is me!

I am the Mayor of the He-man Woman Haters
The guys look to me.
How can I abandon them?
How would they become normal men
If I am not free?

If I speak, Butch will kill me.
If I stay silent, that guy will kill me when he gets out of hard labor!
Oh woe is me!

Who Am I? (The Trial) Pt. 2

Alfalfa Valjean
Who am I?
Can I condemn this boy to Butch's penalty?
Pretend I do not know the Merry Go Round drudgery
This innocent, suave, handsome guy who bears my face
Standing at Butch's judgement in my place
Who am I?
Can I run from Butch's thugs forevermore?
Pretend I'm not the well loved mug I was before?
And must my name from this day be
Mr Twist? How could that be?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow He-men?
How can I ever face Mrs. Crabtree again?
My soul rescued from Butch, I know
Mrs Crabtree's bargain long ago
She gave me hope when hope was gone
She gave me mush to journey on

He appears in front of Butch's court and shouts triumphantly in defiance!

Who am I? Who am I?

I am Alfalfa Valjean!

He holds out his hands to show the overwhelming growth of callouses built up from his time in Butch's hard labor camp... the scars of the Merry Go Round. The court gasps as the scars bear witness to Alfalfa's true identity. He rips off the cardboard Groucho Marx mustache that he's worn since Spring. The mustache crumbles and blows away on the breeze.

  Imagine that, gone with the wind.
And so Butch Javert, you see it's true
That incredibly handsome, sweet mug bears no more guilt than you!
Who am I?

I'm gonna have to get a new phone number. Butch, why don't you give me a call sometime when you're not so hot under the collar! I'll be home next Tuesday! I should have it changed by then. Wooooooooah!

Alfalfa takes off screaming in a dead run from Butch's court, trampling everything in his path to escape the thugs which now chase close behind.

Come To Me (Fantine's Death)

Fantine is lying in her backyard on a beach chair,
deliriously dreaming of her sister, Darla Cosette.

Mary Ann Fantine
Darla Cosette, my fans have turned so cold
Darla Cosette, the sun for me stopped shining
Darla Cossette the clouds rolled into my life
And my film career's behind me

Come to me, Darla Cosette, my stardom is fading
Don't you see my shooting fame is passing?
Come to me, and rest against my laurels
How fast the fame flies away, the residuals grow smaller.

Hurry near, you know my fame is dying
Don't you hear, the studio head is crying?
There's a darkness which comes without a screening
But, I will be your agent for ten percent each morning.

A girl has to earn her keep, you know!


Alfalfa Valjean enters the backyard. He assesses the situation, compares it to his own, then shrugs his shoulders. He enters anyway.

Alfalfa Valjean
Mary Ann Fantine, our time is running out
But Mary, I swear this on my life
Mary Ann Fantine
Look, Buster, where all the children play... That should be me... on the silver screen... I could have been a contender!
Alfalfa Valjean
You just lie here, rest in peace, Mary Ann...

Her eyes widen at Alfalfa Valjean's words, deciding that maybe
he didn't mean what he said quite literally.

Mary Ann Fantine
My Cosette...
Alfalfa Valjean
Shall have all my protection
Mary Ann Fantine
Take her now
Alfalfa Valjean
Your sister will want for nothing. Except maybe marbles. We never seem to have enough in this town.
Mary Ann Fantine
Alfala Valjean, you speak the words of freedom.
Alfalfa Valjean
And Butch shall never harm Cosette
As long as I am living.
Mary Ann Fantine
Take my hand. The spotlight grows ever colder.
Alfalfa Valjean
Then I will keep you warm.
Mary Ann Fantine
Take my sister. I give her to your keeping.
Alfalfa Valjean
Like I said Mary Ann Fantine, you just lie here.
Do the six feet under slumber...
Push up the daisies while you sleep a deep, deep sleep.
Rest in peace.
You really, really, really deserve to rest in peace.
Go ahead... take the mattress express to the sky...
I dooonnnnnnnnn't mind a bit!
You just go ahead and turn off the ole pilot light.
Mary Ann Fantine
I get the point Alfalfa Valjean!
Land sakes, stop talking like that!
You're giving me the creeps.
I'm just dropping out of show business
Tell Darla Cosette I love her
And I'll bill her my cut of the take...


She closes her eyes and drifts off to a celestial sleep with a smile across her face.

Alfalfa Valjean wonders aloud why she was talking about being in show business, but he lets the issue drop as Butch Javert shows up.

He arrives too late to see
Mary Ann awake. She contentedly snoozes, dead to the world.

The Confrontation

Butch Javert
Alfalfa Valjean, at last,
We see each other plain
Mayor Twist! Hah!
You'll wear a different chain!
Alfalfa Valjean
Before you say another word, Butch Javert
Before you chain me up like a slave again
On the Merry Go Round, there is something I must do.
This sleeping beauty leaves behind a suffering child.
Ain't nobody but me who can turn to,
Mercy sakes, three days are all I need.
Then I'll return, I pledge my word.
Then I'll return... Uh hunh!
Butch Javert
You must think I'm stupid!
I've hunted you across the play grounds
A mug like you can never change
A mug such as you.
Alfalfa Valjean
(in counterpoint)
Believe me Butch Javert
There is a job that I'm sworn to do
You know nothing of my life
All I did was win your marbles
You know nothing of my world
You would sooner beat my head
But not before I see this duty
I am warning Butch Javert
I have a stronger gang by far
There is power in me yet
My race is not yet run
I am warning Butch Javert
There is nothing I won't dare
If I have to fight you here
I'll do what must be done!
Butch Javert
(in counterpoint)
Mugs like me can never change
Mugs like you can never change
No, 244-6001
My duty's to Butch's law
The law of might makes right
Come with me 244-6001
Now the wheel has turned around
Alfalfa Valjean is nothing now
Dare you talk to me of your crime
And the price you had to pay
Every mug is born to sin
Every man must choose to win
You know nothing of Butch Javert
I was born of simple folk
I was born to administer jokes
And the joke is on you!

Alfalfa Valjean breaks a chair and threatens Butch Javert with the broken piece. He turns to Mary Ann Fantine who is now on the ground but still sleeping peacefully. He shrugs his shoulders in bemusement, then takes on a posturing He-man stance before Butch Javert. Butch Javert's eyes glisten and contract, squinting in agitated hatred. He swells his chest and advances as Alfalfa Javert keeps his distance by circling round the sleeping Fantine.

Alfalfa Valjean

(to the sleeping Fantine)
And this I swear to you tonight
Butch Javert

(to Alfalfa Valjean)
There is no place left to hide
Alfalfa Valjean
Darla Cossette will have my means
Butch Javert
Whenever you may run away
Alfalfa Valjean
I will point her to the silver screens.
Valjean & Javert
I swear to you, I will be there!
They fight, Alfalfa Valjean shadow punches Butch Javert. Javert holds Valjean at arm's length with one extended hand. The two struggle, spinning round in a tightening circle. Valjean swings rapidly, each thrust skillfully missing it's target. Still sleeping, Mary Ann Fantine rolls over, knocking Javert headlong into the open Bar-B-Que pit. Butch Javert is knocked out. Mary Ann Fantine scratches her leg, turns over and rests her head on the book she had been reading: Great Expectations. `Dickens... She'll sleep for a long time after reading that one!` Alfalfa Valjean says to himself as he escapes.

  • The Les Misérables logo © 1986-2003 CMOL.
  • English Lyrics © 1985-2003 Alain Boublil Music, Ltd.
  • This page has no affiliation with any of the above organizations.
  • Original Les Misérascals lyrics © 2003 William P Cary

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