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Act II
(Still Purformed in Americun!)

Original Les Misérables By Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg
Original Lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer

This non commercial interpretation and all lyrics in satire and parody

© 2003 by William P Cary

Act II - The Marble Revolution

Upon Sticks 'n Stones

Building the Barricade

Saturday morning late in September, 1939.

Spanky is addressing his troops near the Klubhouse.
They are standing on the banks of a dry shallow ravine.

The Burbank Rivulet.

Officially, the gulch is a neighborhood drainage canal handling an occassional Southern California rainfall.

Unofficially, this ravine separates rival gang territories.

Spanky Enjolras
Here beside this ravine
We'll build our barricade
In the territory
Butch has tried to claim as his own!
Each kid to his duty
And don't be afraid.
Wait! We'll need a report
On the strength of the foe.
Butch Javert

(disguised as a rebel)
I can find out the truth
I know Butch's ways
Fought his gang's wars
Served my time
In the days
Of my youth.
Now the rivals will fued
And throw their food
Meringue in your eye
We face the pie
Yummy! Good eatin' tonight!

Jackie Marius spots Shirley Eponine,
who is dressed as a boy. She is desparate to fit in.
She just wants to be accepted as "one of the guys".

Jackie Marius
Hey, little boy, what the heck do I see?
Rabbit stew, Shirley Eponine, the stuff you do!
Shirley Eponine
I know this ain't no place for me,
Jackie Marius, I just wanna be with you!

C'mere handsome... Give us a kiss!

Jackie Marius
Go home before the fight starts.
Go home, Shirley Eponine, if you got any smarts!
Shirley Eponine
Jackie Marius, you're worried about me!
That shows you like me quite a lot!
Jackie Marius
There is one way that you can help
You can yet help answer my prayer!
Please take this letter to Darla Cosette
Only she is to read this, if she's still there!
Shirley Eponine
If you only would care...
Or if you'd notice I'm here...

She walks to the road, where she meets Alfalfa Valjean.

Heading to take his place at the barricade, he is hauling a Radio Flyer filled with foamy pies of dubious origin.

Shirley Eponine
I have a letter Alfalfa
It's addressed to Darla Cosette
It's from a soldier at the barricade,
Guarding the shores of the Burbank Rivulet.
Alfalfa Valjean
Gimme that letter, my good fellow.

Say, you're a little young to attempt
shaving aren't you?

Shirley Eponine

He said to give it to Darla Cosette

Alfalfa Valjean
You got my word that Darla Cosette will drown in
The thoughts this letter explains.
Tell 'im she'll read it tomorrow
Here's a dime for the titanic efforts of your pains
Go home, careful now, you'll stay sound
Danger's flying low keep your head down.

He opens the letter... and reads it.

What are friends for, if not to snoop?

The Letter From
Jackie Marius
Darla Cosette, you have flooded my heart!

Near far wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Alfalfa Valjean
Sheesh, what utter nonsense!

That's all wet! It gives me a sinking feeling.

On My Own

Shirley Eponine has now reached her desolate home. Her parents are divorced. Her mother works in a factory twelve hours a day, six days a week.

Shirley goes through life totally alone except for the kindness of Buckwheat and Porky... who guide her for a price.

She looks into the mirror hanging from her bedroom wall.

She doesn't like the life that is reflected before her.

Shirley Eponine
And now I'm home alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
A working mom, a distant dad,
There's no one to belong to.
A lonely key to the revolution drawing near
I can only make believe love still lives here.

Sometimes I read myself to sleep
When nobody is around to tuck me
I think of mom and dad and then Jackie
Left unnoticed and alone and answering
Buckwheat and Porky, their demands command me
And I'm home alone again.

I'm Banished

Shirley Eponine
I'm banished
Pretend safe course is charted
All alone, I've drifted through my lifetime
No lifeboat from Jackie or my parents
No one ever notices how deeply I can vanish

In my room, cold reflections haunt the mirror
Swirling storm, the sea of life is chilling
Zest for life, one's quest to be immortal
The future I see is without me forever and forever

Yet I know the pain is only in my mind
Yes, I know the gang treats me kind, at times
And I know that all is fair in play
Still they say, "You missed the boat today!"

All alone
When daily tides are ebbing
They have gone, the mirror's just as bitter
Astounding, floating in spurts and spasms
A gentle ship crushed by their 'bergs
Icey words slice deeply in life's chasms

I struggle
But every day I'm sinking
These titanic emotions I must juggle
And I'm drowning, without him in my life
Whistling through a sea of emptiness
That few have ever known!

I'm banished
I'm banished
I'm banished
But I'm happiest on my own.

She falls face down on the bed.
She weeps silently. Her body twists and contorts.

Suddenly, a moment of serenity engulfs her.

A new spirit of self determination sets in. Shirley Eponine is reborn.

She rises and leaves her house. Alone, but not for long...

Upon These Stones - At the Barricade

The barricade is now complete. The gang feels a collective moment of pride, muffling a feeling of severe trepidation. Still, they agree that, although ragged and piecemeal, it looks just swell!

The Whole Gang
At The Barricade

We pledge now to hold this barricade!

Jackie Marius
Let Butch come with his henchmen.
Yeah, they will be met.
Spanky Enjolras
Have faith in yourselves.
Now, don't be afraid.
Let's get back those marbles
that Butch should never have kept!
This is where Butch's reign ends!
And if it takes almost an hour we'll see
Butch's last fifteen minutes of sweating
How grand it will be!
Let him come if he dares!
Spanky, we'll be there!
Hey gang, anybody seen Alfalfa Valjean?

Pro'lly out chasing girls ag'in... knowin' him!
That lazy so and so...
Makin' us do all the work while he croons the day away...
Why, I never... If you ask me, we should
kick him out of the He Man Woman Hater's Klub...
He's not worthy of bein' a honorary member!

Hey gang...! Where's everybody going?
Hunhh! Imagine that, leavin' me to do all the work ag'in...

Javert's Arrival

You on Spanky's barricade listen to this!
Butch is coming to teach you right
You're on your own
You have no friends
Give up your pies - don't fight!

Spanky Enjolras
Jerry's warnings are all lies
Butch will see my people rise!
The Whole Gang
At The Barricade
Jerry's warnings are all lies
Butch will see us people rise!

Butch Javert climbs over the barricade. He's still in disguise and trying to throw the gang off his trail.

Butch Javert
Listen my friends
I have done as I said
I have seen Butch's thugs
I have counted each mug
Let me tell what I can

Better be warned
They have not much ammunition to spare
And the danger isn't really there
We will need only minor cunning
To bring his soul to bare

Spanky Enjolras
Relax, friend
If you know what their plans are
We'll spoil his marble game
There are webs that we can spin
To overthrow Butch's spheres of power
Butch Javert
I have overheard his plans
There will be no attack today
Butch intends to wait you out
Before he starts a proper fight
Concentrate his meager force
Hit you with one small pie.

Honest, he's a really swell kinda guy!


Waldo Gavroche

Good morning, Butch Javert
Oh yeah, I recognize you
I know this guy, my friends
Name's Butch "Tommy" Javert
So don't believe a word he says
'Cause none of it's true
This only goes to show
What intellektuals can do!

And intellektuals know
The reason bullies fight
We may look perfect victim
But we've got some might
So never pick a marble
Out of our tin cups
We'll fight as Spanky's army
And we won't give up
So you'd better return the marbles
Or you won't grow up!

Butch Javert runs as the first pies soar through the air. They all miss their target, Butch has retreated back across the ravine where he taunts Spanky's gang with his laughter.

Waldo Gavroche continues his song long after everyone has finished listening.

Eponine, still in boyish clothes, enters and climbs the barricade.

She's gasping for air and sweating profusely.

Breezy Joly
There's some boy climbing the barricade!
Jackie Marius
Homemade biscuits and red-eye gravy!
What are you doing?
Shirley Eponine, have you no fear?
Have you been with Darla Cosette?
Why are you back here?
Shirley Eponine
Took the letter like you said
I met Alfalfa in the street
He said he'd give it...

She collapses in Jackie Marius' arms.
He wants no part of this, so he props her against the side of the barricade.
She shakes her head in disbelief as she rises to her feet.

She stands over Jackie, taller than she's ever been before, yet quivering inside.

Shirley Eponine
Don't think I will take this any more.
I won't have it.
I won't stand for it any longer, Jackie Marius, you cad!
Jackie Marius
Eponine, what's wrong with you?

Eeee-ewwwwwww! There's something wet in your hair!

There are patches of meringue and colorful sprinkles on his hand.

She's been hit!

A Little Pie Meringue

Shirley Eponine
Don't you fret, Jackie Marius
I hardly feel any pain
A little pie meringue
Can only kill me once
Still here, and finally you will know
And you will keep me warm
And you will make me whole
Meringue will make marble passion grow.
Jackie Marius
But you are dead, Shirley Eponine,
Your splattered head, the hit was clean.
Shirley Eponine
Just hold me now, and notice me.
I am someone, please notice me...
Jackie Marius
You would fight a hundred days
If they had missed somehow
But that can't happen now...
Shirley Eponine
Meringue can't hurt me now
This pie will smother what has passed
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll feel your sweet embrace at last.

Meringue that makes you notice
Sprinkles covering your caress!
The pies begin to fall
And I'm now at rest
Near, far, no matter where you are
You are safe within my heart...

Shirley Eponine

Now don't you fret, Jackie Marius
I hardly feel any pain
A little pie meringue
Can hardly hurt me now
Jackie Marius

(in counterpoint)

Go ahead and die, Shirley Eponine,
You won't have to feel our pain
Another pie meringue
Won't do more damage now

Jackie Marius
You're dead
Shirley Eponine
That's all I've left to show
Shirley Eponine

And you will keep me warm
And you will make me whole

Jackie Marius

(in counterpoint)

You can work for me
Become the barricade

Shirley Eponine


Jackie Marius

(in counterpoint)


Shirley Eponine

will make marble passion...

Jackie Marius

(in counterpoint)
Will make marble passion... grow...

She finishes an agonizing death sequence, gets up and takes a position at the front of the barricade facing Butch's army.

Now officially meringued, she is out of play, no longer allowed to participate in the continuing fight. She can serve now as another brick in the wall.

Buckwheat and Porky keep running tabulations on the dead warriors.

Spanky Enjolras
She is the first to fall!
The first of us to fall upon this barricade...
She won't be the last.
Buckwheat -
The Injineer

One! Spanky's gang has one dead...

So far...

Three cents coroner's fee, Spanky!

Porky :
The Gatekeeper

Un dead fo' 'Panky's thide!
All stiw alive ova here wif Butch.
No money yet, Buckwheat!

Morning of Anguish

Alfalfa Valjean arrives, towing his Radio Flyer of pies.

Breezy Joly
Here comes Alfalfa Valjean
Bringing pies to our barricade
Alfalfa Valjean
I volunteer my service to the marble cause.
Johnny : The Sentry
Cause why?

They all stare at Johnny in blank silence.

He stares back with a blank smile.

Breezy Joly
Approach and show identification.
Johnny : The Sentry
You wear an sailor's uniform.

Alfalfa Valjean removes his sailor's cap, exposing his tassle of twisted hair.

The Sentry immediately lets him pass into the barricade.

Alfalfa Valjean
That's how I got through.
I had to sneak past Butch's guards.
It wasn't easy, draggin' this ammunition.
Woim and Jerry are just behind those trees.
Leonard is hiding in the Bougainvillea.
They've all got loads of pies.
I told them these were a special delivery for
Butch himself.
Breezy Joly
You're getting some years behind you Alfalfa.
Alfalfa Valjean
Yeah... I'm older than you.
What of it?

Butch must be stopped now.
Pretty soon, we'll be driving cars,
holding down 9-5 jobs.
What's he gonna want then?

I ain't working all my life to feed him
before I can eat.
Who does he think he is anyway?

Reminds me of my bum uncle Sam.
Always freeloading off my dad...

Breezy Joly
You see that pris'ner over there?
A volunteer like you!
A spy who works for Butch Javert!
He's going to get it too...
Honest fellas, I don't know
why he wants all the marbles.

I'm dead now anyway,
I'll just go home...
Be moseying along...

See ya'll around!
I think I hear my mother calling...

Johnny : The Sentry
Sit down, pris'ner Stymie!

You ain't leaving!

Butch is getting ready to attack!

The First Attack (Marble Prose)

Spanky Enjolras gives Alfalfa Valjean a slingshot for his pies. It is a two man sling, but it enables the gang to bridge the gap between the barricade and Butch's men on the other side of the Burbank Rivulet.

Spanky Enjolras
Take this Goliath sling and aim it well!
You pull back on the sling with the pies...
'n I'll help!
If Butch shoots at us, he don't stand no chance,
I just hope we live long enough to tell.
Platoon of piemen advancing toward the barricade!
Pies in each hand, eighteen or more!
Spanky Enjolras

The whizzing zing of slingshots hurling pies permeates the air. Pies fill the blue sky, splattering all around, falling on the boldest and the bravest of men. The dead on both sides claw feverishly at the ground as if trying to crawl into an earthen tomb.

Around them, the pies of battle rain merrily down.

War reigns happily over the barricade battleground.

Jackie Marius
Sniper! Look out Alfalfa Valjean!

Alfalfa Valjean shoots a sniper who is aiming at Spanky Enjolras. The pie lands firmly in his face with an audible and satisfying squish. The victim throws his hands to his face to show defeat... pawing the meringue from his eyes.

The remaining members of Butch's gang retreat across the Burbank Rivulet to regroup.

Spanky's men assess the damage.

See how they run like pigs from a gun!
Oh, my! Daring!
I want to trip and dance!

We've won today!

Spanky Enjolras
Nah! They'll be back again,
Butch'll make an attack again.
We'll have to fight again
Spanky Enjolras

(To Alfalfa Valjean)
I'll have to thank you later, Alfalfa
When our battle is won.
It ain't over yet!
Alfalfa Valjean
I can't stop thinking of Darla Cosette.
I still have to get her on the stage and screen.
I'm sorry, Spanky.
I have to live my own life!
Spanky Enjolras
If it is in my power.
I'll help when this is over.

Butch Javert emerges beside the barricade, near the entrance of the Klubhouse. He shouts to gain Spanky's attention, then proposes a truce.

Spanky and Alfalfa grant Butch a private meeting inside the Klubhouse.

Butch Javert
My law runs through my corps
You owe me marbles by the score
Spanky Enjolras
What is it you're doing with all those marbles anyway? You must have a jillion by now!
Alfalfa Valjean
We meet again, Butch Javert. You d-d-don't scare me!
Butch Javert
You've hungered for this all your life;
But you're out of order
This stinking pie war...
This whole meeting is out of order!
You want control...
You can't handle control!

You have the power in your hands...
Yet you're too afraid to take it.
But I always do! I GRAB it with both hands!

Power doesn't scare me.
Never does. Nothing does!
I control everyone and everything
Whether they know it or not!

Now! Like I said before...
Don't give me a reason to punch out your lights!

Bring me my marbles!

Alfalfa Valjean
You talk too much, Butch
You ask too much and give nothing in return.
Butch Javert
You don't understand...
You'll never understand...


Alfalfa Valjean
N-n-n-n-n-no marbles anymore!
Butch Javert
Alfalfa Valjean, take care!
Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge
I'm trying not to loose my head
Sometimes I wonder how I keep from going under.
Marbles... bring me what you owe!

I'm warning you...

Alfalfa Valjean
Well, you ain't yet answered Spanky's question...
Butch Javert
Once a marble thief, forever a marble thief.
What you claim you won, you stole!
You cheated to take my marbles and that
will never happen to me again.
You won't ever again get at what's mine.
Yes, Alfalfa Valjean, you want a deal!
You want to win... Okay, I'll give you your chance
And I'll beat you again.

Center ring. Boxing gloves. High noon.

After a few glove taps,
I expect all the marbles you owe
me to be paid in full.
You better bring 'em 'round by the pound!

If you know what's good for you!

Alfalfa Valjean
Butch Javert, you are wrong again.
You have always have been wrong.

You will always be wrong.
I ain't a marble thief. I won 'em.
Nothing you have said could be further from the...
Hey! Get back here!

Aw, Spanky, how can I put Butch in his place
if 'n he don't stand still and listen?

Spanky Enjolras
Alfalfa Valjean!
Why on earth did you agree to box with Butch?
He'll clobber you!
Alfalfa Valjean
Aw, gee! I don't know Spanky.
I didn't mean to get so wrapped up in my own courage.
The words just started to flow.
It's a hereditary family trait bubbling up
through my effervescent personality.
My dad always said I have a big false bravado.
That's Italian, you know. It means mouth...
Buckwheat -
The Injineer

Twelve! Spanky's gang has twelve dead...

Thirty six cents coroner's fee, Spanky!
Two cents tax on anything over a quarter!

Pay me four dimes or two quarters and we'll call it even.

Porky :
The Gatekeeper

Eight dead ova here wif Butch.
Only twenny fo' cents, Buckwheat!
Tell 'em to aim better!
Gotta get thome guys killed
Or I won't make no money...

Bwing out yur dead!
Bwing out yur dead!

Drink With Me (The Aftermath)

The defenders settle down to assess the battle.

Buckwheat offers a glass of water to each man. Eight cents per glass due to the high risk of serving water on the frontlines of the battleground. Only seven cents per glass for the dearly departed.

Porky charges ten cents plus two marbles per glass to Butch's men.

He doesn't tell Buckwheat about the little extra on the side.

Spanky Enjolras
You better limber up, champ!
Think all your training has made you ready for this?
Jackie Marius, are you still alive or are you dead?
Jackie Marius
I'm still alive and kickin', Spanky.
I'll help you get Alfalfa Valjean ready.
What have we got left?
Thirty, fourty minutes tops?

Spanky Enjolras and Jackie Marius leave the barricade
with Alfalfa Valjean in tow. They drag him by his heels.

Drink with me to peace gone by
Sing with me 'bout spheres we knew
Here's to aggies, shooters, glassies we've known...
Here's to all those pounds of
cat's eyes we've thrown...
Taken now, by Butch's dudes...
Johnny : The Sentry
Drink with me to peace gone by
Do you fear you'll face a pie?
Will the world remember Butch
If he falls?
Could it be Alfalfa
Will save us all?
Boxing ring... just one last try?

The feeling of intense camaraderie sets in for all.

Even the prisoner joins in the song.

Drink with me to peace gone by
We had marbles plenty, nothing was wrong
Now I'm asking can't we all just get along

Breezy Joly
Here's to you and here's to peace
Buckwheat -
The Injineer

Does I care if I should die
From the pies?
Serving my fellow man
On the battle front is worth it all.

Have another round guys...
Drink your fill!
You'se payin' only eight cents a glass,
So I'll thank you all to say 'Please'

  • The Les Misérables logo © 1986-2003 CMOL.
  • English Lyrics © 1985-2003 Alain Boublil Music, Ltd.
  • This page has no affiliation with any of the above organizations.
  • Original Les Misérascals lyrics © 2003 William P Cary

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